T.R.U.S.T

It's been nearly two weeks since I heard this news about someone at the office, and when I remember what I heard, I still shake my head in disbelief. Not that this hasn't happened before, just that it happened again and right under my nose.

I'm not going to go into the details of what actually happened - because that would just be cruel just in case she (OR he!) reads this. But what I am going to say is that I couldn't be more disappointed. You would think that after a person spends so much time and effort gaining trust from the people around her/him, they would at least try as much as possible or do whatever it took to keep that trust. Or is that just me?

I'd like to think that the human race in general sees trust as a treasure. To be able to gain trust from people, like your boss or your friend, is something not to be taken lightly. Someone wise once said the journey of friendship and love begins and ends with trust. You can only move forward with that relationship when trust has been established and once it's broken, the relationship stops -- or is at least damaged.

A single act of betrayal, no matter how small the person thinks it may be, can very well tarnish everything, and ruin the relationship for good. Take the person I was talking about earlier - let's call her Liz. She spent years fitting in and trying to get people around her (including me) to trust her and rely on her for help. Then, out of the blue, she does this one thing, and now no one believes her anymore. Regardless of the fact that we can all decide to just forgive her the way we were all taught to do in Sunday School, but as human beings, we will all now think twice before entrusting her with anything again.

What I keep wondering is: was it worth it? Whatever the reason was that led Liz to do what she did - was it worth losing all her friends and ruining the relationships she had worked so hard on building?

I think this should be the ultimate question anyone asks just before they do that one thing that could ruin it all. Seriously, is it really worth it?

New Year, New Resolutions?

What was I doing when the clock struck midnight? Sleeping. Doesn't sound like much fun, right? I know. Oh well.

But just because the start of the New Year wasn't exciting or mind-blowing, it doesn't mean I can't have a good year this year. In fact, a slow, uneventful start could very well lead to one of the most exciting years ever. It doesn't matter how you start it, what matters is how you live it.

I'm trying something new this year - I'm not going to have a long list of resolutions and promises that I can't keep. I did that every year for as long as I can remember, and where did that get me? Absolutely nowhere. I'm still standing in the same place I've been standing since I first started the resolution thing.

Have I lost weight? No.
Have I stopped drinking coffee? No.
Am I exercising regularly? No.
Well, yes, if you can consider running around chasing after my kids "exercise" - but if you don't, then the answer is no.

So there. Nothing was accomplished. I made resolutions and promises, and I broke every single one of them... And when I look back on those things I never managed to do, I feel defeated. Like somehow, I'm not a good enough person, which brought me to the thought, "So what is the point of doing it?"

That's why this year, I'm doing it differently. No promises, no resolutions. I've decided I'm just going to live my life to the best of my ability, as positively as possible, and work on things one day at a time, because maybe without the pressure, I may actually achieve things.

When I was in school, yes, pressure lead to anxiety, which lead to me being more productive. But now, perhaps thanks to the fact that I am maturing (and aging), it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. I think these days, I am much more interested in the bigger picture: enjoying life. Different perspectives can change the way you do things.

This year I've created a "Book of Randomness" - a book that I scribble on with thoughts and stuff that pop into my head (when I'm too lazy to turn on the computer). In this book, I've listed down a bunch of "Wishes" that, without too much pressure and too much strain, I'd like to be able to achieve. These are not resolutions, these are not promises that I'll never follow through on. These are bigger dreams that I hope to be able to accomplish in time just by being positive and an all-around good person. No deadlines, but accurate and positive dreams.

Good person = doing good in everything, which means in work, in society, in parenting, in household finances, etc. Simple, but hopefully effective.

Check back here for updates on whether this works or not. I may be wrong, (or I may be delusional) and this may not even make any sense to anyone else but me, but I'm feeling so good about this. So how can I not try it?

Sweating the Small Stuff

You know that book, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff"? I first saw that book on the shelf of my then-boyfriend (now husband). When I saw it, I thought to my self, hmph. Not sweating the small stuff seemed highly unlikely for someone like me. I am a freak for details and order, how could I ever not sweat the small stuff?!

This is the kind of person I am: when someone gives me a printed out excel sheet and a line is missing, I send it back and ask them to fix it. When someone gives me a present with a bow on it and the bow is crooked, I fix the bow before taking it off and opening the present. When a colleague is erasing a pencil written sheet, I check the sheet, re-erase to make sure there is absolutely no trace of it ever being written and give it back to her. I spot mispellings of people's names in magazines. I clean a whole row of tv screens on an airplane to make sure my friends and I can watch spotless on-demand movies on our 13-hours flight (ask Boris, he'll confirm this!) I plan a minute-by-minute itinerary for all my business trips, including a scheduled bathroom break and try to squeeze in 15 minutes of shopping after lunch.

Yeah. Detail freak. Or OCD maybe - I am confused which one is more appropriate.

Anyway - not sweating the small stuff was near-impossible for me to do. Until recently, when I discovered that sometimes, letting things happen out of the norm and order is actually OK to do.

So here's the story: normally, on the last day of my trips, I would book a taxi in the morning to go to the airport. If my flight was 12, I'd book the taxi at 8 to leave at 9 and reach the airport by 10. But last week on Wednesday (my flight home was Thursday), I was coincidentally speaking to the reception and she offered to book me a taxi early. Normally, I would have said, "Oh, it's OK, I can do it in the morning." But that night, I sort of thought, well, why not?

It would have been out of the ordinary habit, and it would have meant me changing my minute-by-minute schedule the next day, but hey, why not?

So I agreed to it, and the lady booked me the cab. I went back to my room, thinking it was such a big deal that it changed my routine, but whatever.

Thursday came, and it was snowing cats and dogs outside, and the minute I got to reception, the guy on standby for the morning shift said, "You're so lucky you booked a cab last night, otherwise you would not get one. It's snowing today and taxi's do not want to take passengers when it's snowing."

I stood there with my mouth opened and my jaw nearly touching the ground ala Ally McBeal. It would have taken me forever to get a cab had I insisted on ordering one in the morning, and I would have missed my long-awaited flight home. Amazing!

Now, to some people, this might not be a big deal. To some people, this may only be making something out of nothing. But for me, it was a no bullshit kind of way to smack me in the face and tell me that life needs to take it's course sometimes, and made me realize that I can't try to plan and schedule every single thing. And sometimes, the course that is set out for us is better than what we planned.

Cutting the long story short, I'm home, I'm happy, and I'm a bit more open minded now. I can let go of some of the small stuff because my perspective has changed: (a) they don't matter that much and I shouldn't waste time and energy on them, (b) it's OK to make mistakes or miss a few things because if they work out, they work out. If it's a mistake, I can learn and move on.

The new year hasn't started yet, but I'm starting early with my resolutions. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff.