Worry-wart 2.0

Wow.
It's been ages since I've updated this blog! I can't believe it's been that long! No, wait. Let me rephrase that. I can't believe it's APRIL already! Where did all the time go? How do we just continue to pass through the days just like that.

Since it's April now, I've passed one birthday party already for my daughter - she turned three in February. I feel like I slept through the last year, all of a sudden, boom, she's THREE. She acts and speaks like she's thirteen instead of three though to be honest. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. And even though April has just started, May is just around the corner, lurking around.

May 26th will mark my son Matthew's seventh birthday. He is so sure that we'll through him this huge birthday party at McDonald's now that daddy dearest works there. He thinks that birthdays are the only time we all celebrate him (well, aside from when we celebrate him winning art competitions and stuff) but here's what he doesn't realize: we celebrate every single day of his life.

I'm not going to go into the details of how he was born and stuff because I've written about that a million times already. I don't need to repeat his birthweight and scares and stuff. What I do need to say here is that every single day, I am reminded of how lucky we are to have him, and how worrying really gets me nowhere.

The other day I shared this with my friends: all I have ever wanted (and still want) for Matthew is for him to be normal. NORMAL - in every sense of the word. His birth, his premature condition, his hearing, none of this was or is normal, and I pray everyday that he gets a normal life like every kid in he world. And you know what? He actually is leading a normal life - I've just been to wrapped up in my worries to actually realize it!

A few weeks ago, his teacher sent me a text message, informing me that he had thrown away one of his friends' glasses. At first, I was horrified. My son, the lovable and sweet Matthew, threw someone's glasses away on purpose? He made the kid cry? But then, it hit me. My son was acting NORMAL - he was just following what the other kids were doing. They were all teasing this kid with glasses (poor kid!) and he was just being a part of his group of friends and took part in it too. This sounds TERRIBLE, I know this, but for me, the bigger picture was that he was acting like a normal kid under peer pressure!

If by rejoicing to this fact it makes me a bad parent, well, whatever. What can I say? Call it whatever you want but when you're constantly worried that your kid doesn't turn out normal and he actually goes out and acts normal, how could you not be ecstatic??

For the record, I did apologize to the kid's mother and Matthew did get into trouble for his behavior. He apologized to the kid too, and promised never to do it again. He's back to being that sweet kid again, and I've reduced my level of worry these days. I think.

Up in the Air

A long time ago, when I was a lot younger (and single!) I dreamt that my job would take me traveling around the world. I wanted to be a journalist because (a) I love to write and (b) I wanted to travel the world without actually having to cough up my own money to do it. Well, fast forward so many years later (I'm not going to say how many), my job has taken me to most of the countries I've wanted to visit at least once in my life, and I consider myself pretty darn lucky.

Scratch that -- I consider myself at this point quite confused.

One the one hand, yes, absolutely, with my love of traveling, getting on and off airplanes should be a joy and a lot of people would actually kill for my job. For crying out loud, Paris 6 times a year! But on the other hand, with my schedule for the next few months, the thought of that smell you smell once you board a plane really makes me kinda sick these days. Add to that the fact that I feel so insanely guilty for leaving the kids all the time - yeah, I totally forget sometimes how "lucky" I am.

I shouldn't be complaining, really. I've gotten so many Facebook comments every time I post that I am traveling about how envious people are at me (or my job, not me per se). And hey, with the amount of packing I do, I can now qualify to be a professional packer or something. Heck, I can probably pack with blindfolds on these days! And it doesn't hurt that I'm getting a pretty decent amount of frequent flyer points these days. On top of that, I also have friends who better replicate George Clooney in his Up in the Air character - they literally barely see land these days and are always flying to and from somewhere. Their best meals have consisted of airport lounge food! I am definitely not jealous of them!

But... on the occasional off day (like today), when I'm packing in the middle of the night have the rare opportunity to watch my children fall asleep in my arms, I tell myself I should try and travel less (though it's not entirely within my control). And, to watch the nanny roll her eyes when I tell her I'm going again is not really that pleasant to see. Or, listening to my husband tell me I'm going to miss another school meeting.

Turns out, it's all for the best that my husband decided to quit his job and do his own thing this year because he now has time to do all these parent-teacher school meetings! Who would have thought?

Just to fill you in on my travel schedule over the next few months: Singapore, Surabaya, Singapore, Paris, Geneva, Paris and Paris again... All between now and February 2011. Yikes, just reading all those destinations gave me shivers.

So is the glass half full or half empty? Am I lucky or am I unfortunate? Shall this just be left undecided and be considered just another typical dramatic rant of mine?

Yeah - the last one, probably.

But, I'll say this: when New Year's comes around and it's time for another round of resolutions, I think one of mine will be to ask my boss if I could tone down the traveling a bit. :)

Confessions of a Worry-wart (a.k.a. a Mom)

I woke up panting in bed this morning, having just had a bad dream. I dreamt that my son Matthew was running around screaming and in panic because he couldn't find me, while I was screaming behind him trying to catch up and calling his name, but he just couldn't hear me. When I finally caught up to him, we were both out of breath and both crying our eyes out, frustrated and frightened at the same time.

Why did I have this dream, you ask?
I'm not a dream expert, so you may not want to come to me when you want your dreams interpreted, but I know exactly why I had this particular dream.

See, we found out that my son has moderate hearing loss and needs hearing aids just before he started his first year of primary school. We went through a number of doctors and a gazillion tests, and at the end of the day, he still needed hearing aids so we got them for him. I was unfortunately in Paris the day we actually had to come and pick them up, so I didn't see him wear them the first time around. But the minute I saw the picture that my husband sent to me on my BlackBerry, I'll be honest with you, I burst into tears.

I have been having so many mixed feelings about this whole situation. On one hand, yes, I want him to be able to hear and speak like any other kid his age. I want him to be able to understand when we talk to him without me having to speak loudly and slowly to his face. I want to be able to hug him from behind and whisper "I love you" in his hear without him having to turn around and look at me like I was just trying to tickle his ear - so if hearing aids are the answer to all that, then yeah, I figured, let's do it. But on the other hand, I just don't want him to be different either. I don't want these things attached to his ears be something that kids can tease him about.

About a week ago, when I shared this with a trusted friend - who I admire and look up to - she told me, "What's the difference with kids who have to wear glasses? It's the same, it's just that hearing aids are less common than glasses," which I thought was profound. It made me feel a heck of a lot better at the time, but now I wish more people thought that way. When I shared Matthew's situation with some other friends, they looked at me with pity and said, "We hope he'll be OK with wearing that ugly thing." (Note to self: this very much proves the theory that what kinds of friends you hang out with truly does matter. You hang with the negative, you think negatively. You hang with the positive, and your whole outlook on life is entirely different).

I'm not going to lie, I worry for my son.

He's a cheerful boy, always happy and smiley, and is always positive about everything. He has no reservations about going up to other kids and asking them to play, and he has gotten along wonderfully with his new classmates at school. He is very confident and I never want this to change so I certainly don't want the hearing aids to change him into the opposite of all those things. But I guess everything that comes after this is beyond what I can control. For now, what I can do is encourage him to keep being the way he is, tell him that it's alright to be different and that everyone is different one way or another, and tell him how much we love him and how great we think he is. And of course, I can pray for him, the way I pray for him every day. The rest, I guess, is up to society. I really hope kids these days are better equipped with dealing with differences, not like how they used to be when I was growing up. I hope to God that kids these days are considerate, respectful and kindhearted. Is that too much to ask?

Report Card Day!

So... Today was report card day for my 2 kids, and I went to their school this morning, not really knowing what to expect. Well, OK, to be completely honest, I did expect a few things. I expected Matthew's teacher to say that Matthew was a good kid, still struggling with the speech part (and thus also the reading part), but overall has improved a bit since last term. I also expected Mikaela's teachers to tell me she was talkative, curious, a little bit bossy (because she totally takes after me!) but definitely a good kid. And I was right, that was pretty much what they said to me today.

But here's what I didn't expect: Kae's teacher said that Kaela, summed up in one word was pretty much AMAZING. Her knowledge, skills and behavior is well above the average 2 year old, and she even volunteers to be a helper all the time in class. One of the two teachers even said that it was just like having another teaching assistant in class because she would help teach the other kids how the songs go, how to do activities, etc. She would even console her friends who cried in class, like "Aww.. don't cry, it'll be OK..."

Also, Matthew's teacher said that he has vastly improved in his speech, he is talking so much more than before and that he was very happy to see the improvement. He said Matthew was one of the smartest in Math, and considering I was awful at Math when I was in school, I pretty much jumped up and down in my joy.

Am I proud? Heck, yes! I've never been so proud in my life!

I can't take credit for much, I'm sure, because I spend a lot of my time at work and traveling and effectively, I am sort of a weekend parent type thing (unfortunately) because I only see them on weekdays in the morning and at night, which is basically a few hours (OK, now the guilt is setting in). But, wow, I'm definitely a proud parent. I'd like to think that at least the quality time I do spend with them is worth something, and maybe they do learn a thing or two from me.

And get this - Kaela can sing the whole "it's my life/confessions" mash-up from Glee too! Yeah, she is pretty amazing.

Just recently, some good friends of mine were tweeting about lost time with the kids because of traveling, and of course, this really struck some chords with me. I'd love to be able to say one day that my kids turn out so well because my husband and I have superb parenting skills - ha. But for now, I'll have to settle with trusting the big guy up there to take care of them while I have to work. I think if I manage my time well and make sure the time I do spend them is used wisely, it all works out in the end...

The View From Outside

At the risk of sounding cliche, people really do judge a book by its cover; they make assumptions and comment on things they only see on the outside, without even bothering to know what goes on on the inside.

Case in point: when I recently posted on my twitter that I'd be leaving for Paris again, I got more than a few remarks, all along the lines of: 'You're so lucky to be traveling all the time!' and 'What a fancy jet-setter!' These were comments made by friends, family members, and people I don't even know but have been following my twitter updates. (Btw, I appreciate my followers' comments!)

I always find it quite hilarious how people always think that I have the best job in the world. They think that because I travel and work in fashion, that I live this glamorous life filled with shopping, partying, mingling with A-list crowds and just basically having the time of my life. This is what they think they see from the outside: I go to Paris, Switzerland, Singapore, Hong Kong, Malaysia, and a few other places for work all the time. I host a series of events (cocktails, dinners, exhibitions) locally, I get featured in some local magazines sometimes, and I get to meet some important and interesting people (e.g. Ronan Keating, F1 drivers Mark Webber and David Coulthard, Jay Kay of Jamiroquai, Louis Koo/Hong Kong film star, and the list continues).

And while all of those facts are true, they're missing some things too. Here's what they don't see: I sit in economy for long haul flights and have neck pain every time I travel. I skip a lot of meals because my meetings run so long and everyone in the industry doesn't seem to need to eat. When I travel, I mostly see the inside of a hotel conference room, meeting room or showroom - and that's about it. Even at this very moment, I am in my hotel room trying to catch up on 317 emails that I missed while I was on the 13 hours flight from Singapore to Paris. I stand on my feel in super high heels during all the events/cocktails/dinners/exhibitions and can't feel my toes by the time I go home (which is most likely past midnight). I have to work twice as hard as everyone because of all the traveling because the day-to-day work back home keeps on going even when I'm not around. And, the last thing that seems to be invisible even though it's the whole point my existence: I travel so much I miss important milestones in my children's lives. And friends, that really really sucks.

I find it so hilarious that I can't contain my laughter every single time someone tells me they think I have the best job in the world, simply because I get to travel the globe. What was even more funny was the fact that someone thought I earned a mega-huge salary in Euros. Hah! I wish!

Look, don't get me wrong. I don't hate my job. Not at all - I would have stayed 10 years if I hated it. It's just not the all fun and fancy like people think it is. A lot of hard work goes into everything we do, and not forgetting that a lot of sacrifices are made to do these things too. So it's not just all fun and games. Trust me, it's not all wine-and-dine, partying and jet-setting around the world. It's exhausting, tyring, just like any other job. Sure, there are perks... But don't let the perks fool ya. It's still a tough job to do...

So once in awhile, instead of always focusing on talking about the glamour part of my job, I wish people would talk a bit about just how hard I work, how much effort I put in in trying to be the very best at my job, and every now and then discuss how crappy I feel everytime I have to leave my kids behind. Can't hurt to at least try it out.