Fear of the Scale

My second post in a day! I'm impressing myself.

A few months ago, my friend and I made a pact. We decided we would start to go on a strict diet, with the ultimate goal of losing 20 ponds (him) and 12 pounds (me). Off we went on our race, and months later, he is well on his way on achieving his desired weight, and I've achieved squat. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Ok well to be fair, I did lose 2 pounds, but obviously, I'm far behind because he managed to lose 10. Oh, and did I mention I gained the 2 pounds back?

We started out with the same goal and the same desire. We had the same drive that drove us to make the decision to do something about our weight, but between then and now, what changed? How did he end up doing better than me?

The answer is will-power. He has a massive dose of will-power and I have absolutely none.

I don't even know why I try.

I had a personal trainer and that lasted for what, three months? Then I started this fitness regime at a nearby gym. That also lasted for (at best) two months. I swore off carbs for dinner, only to find myself starving in the middle of the night and then going right back to complex carbs a mere four days after. I even force myself to try on my pre-pregnancy jeans (from 2003!) every now and then to motivate me, but it's still not getting me anywhere.

The ultimate question is this: do I even care anymore about my weight? If it is such a big deal, then why aren't I motivated enough to do something about it? And another thing. Should it even be an issue? All these articles I read keep telling me to love myself whatever shape and size I am. So why should I be bothered? It's not like I'm an elephant-sized person anyway...

Are these real questions or am I just trying to weasel myself out of this whole mess, completely denying the fact that I can't commit to losing weight for more than three months at a time? :)

Questions, questions. Who really knows the answers?